2014 has been somewhat of a roller coaster year.
A real topsy-turvy, all-over-the-place 12 months. Or so it feels.
Health wise I haven’t been great in many ways, and honestly its been a little dark at times, yet there is a presence and sense of growth and something deep which I cannot quite yet place.
A faith or a knowing that things are unfolding perhaps?
Im unsure… but am inching forward when I can. 1 step forward and 2 steps back a lot of the time.
Self development has certainly occurred and nobody said it would always feel good.
I am evolving and it isn’t as I imagined. I had thought that healing the body would come first? I yearn for that desperately, but I am trying to be open to being guided in whatever direction progress takes me. I need to flow.
It is disconcerting at times.
A feeling of being outside in a wintery white snow-storm – flakes falling all around me until I am enveloped completely in this sparkly dust. I cannot see clearly but I know & trust that when the flakes eventually settle (and my vision clears) that the scene created by nature will be more beautiful than I could imagine.
A shivery anticipation of what will come and what will unfold.
But yet while the snowflakes continue to play and dance it still feels cold.
That’s the best way I can describe it.
Without having any prior intention to do so I realise now that 2014 has been the year I started investing in myself more. I’ve been on a healing path for a long time now so this hasn’t changed. Meditation and Nutrition have been on the non-negotionable list for a while but there has been a sense of permanence and evolution about even these. They are my concrete staples now. A way of life.
But more than this I have literally invested externally in physical courses and through these I have connected with like-minded others who have brought a little glitter into my world.
The glitter too swirls with the snow – nothing yet quite in focus still….
Earlier in the year this very Blog was born and I am extremely proud. More so because of all the years preceeding it. The invisible years if you will.
I carved out a little place for myself in the world with Living Brightly and it feels good to own it.
In April I committed to the magnificent Bright Eyed & Blog Hearted online course which has taught me so much. In part this was (and is) a self development course – more so for the beautiful connections, friendships and support from the creator Rachel Macdonald. Never ever has a decision felt so right. This was the course I was destined to take without ever knowing it.
There were tears and fears along the way. Particularly at the daunting task of building my very first website – with no clue at all! I’ll tell you a little secret – At one point I got so stressed out trying to change my header title to Living Brightly that I seriously considered changing my name to the standard promo title of Isabelle! I figured it was quite a nice name so it wasn’t a terrible idea! haha
Thankfully I got better at web developing and when I look at my online home now I feel a huge surge of achievement. I created this! I honestly hand-on-heart never thought I could do it. There is a certain magic which drifts into the air when you manage to build something by yourself. The tears turning into a beaming joy.
I often find myself just looking at my pretty blog and it reminds me that I am capable of more than I often believe. It’s a lesson that needed to hit me. I needed my confidence restored.
I continue to learn more and more about myself and the world everyday through writing. It is expansive in so many ways.
An SEO training course by Shae Baxter followed this and whereas at the beginning of the year I was all for out-sourcing difficult jobs, I have realised the beauty in being self sufficient. Of learning, creating, playing, and taking my time. Of patience and letting go of any need for perfection.
I love it.
Oh, and I joined an initmate little yoga class down the road from my house too. Yoga is a practice I adore and am beyond grateful for. It has accelerated my healing path. This had been on my to-do this for a long time but I never felt well enough. I knew that I would struggle with a class (and I do) and it seemed a massive (tiring) hurdle anticipating having to explain my situation to everyone. It feels this way a lot when you are ill – allowing others the time for them to begin to comprehend your situation requires a patience on my part which I don’t always want to muster up. Showing up and explaining ( or letting them see) again and again – it takes years even with new friendships to get to the point where it feels open and relaxed.
But that very way of thinking doesn’t allow for any growth or small steps at all does it? I only see that now. You have to show up vulnerable to make a start in everything when you are living with poor health/low energy. There is no luxury of a front for us. It is hard work and overwhelming. But perhaps it cracks us open and excels us along the spirited path a lot quicker than others?
We either embrace it or back away. There isn’t really a middle (safe) option.
The first class was daunting and I felt very anxious. But you know what? Now I love it. And no I dont make every session – not even close. And I chill and meditate whilst the others practice their downward dogs. I’m nowhere near ready for that yet and whilst I want to be the same as everyone else I have a peace with where I am too. How far I have come to even be sat cross-legged on the floor. I doubt anyone guesses.
Most importantly I succeeded at a another challenge. Pat on the back Carls!
In truth compliments are hard to accept. Why is that?….. I have a lot of work to do as I get to know myself more. I am only at the beginning of my story and I have much more to learn. I suspect that 2015 will open my eyes even wider – if I let it. If I am brave enough.
I hereby set the intention to continue to take baby steps and invest in myself further.
Anyone with me?
Thanks to all of you who have been on this journey with me. It feels amazing to reflect and find things which I am grateful for where I am the protaganist of the story. That is new! I definitely want to show up and be the main player in my life now.
I raise a glass ( for both you and I) to good health and good times ahead and a chance to shine brighter and brighter in 2015.
Will you share your intentions?