You know sometimes how as a blogger or writer you want and desire your work to be…. well… meaningful, impacting and poignant? How at times such proud pieces do come along, yet at other times you know you simply don’t have the head/heart/space to really immerse and produce that kind of ask, and so you let go of the need for a masterpiece, and just let it flow.
Well that’s how this post is going to roll…..
Graceful and breezy…
Writing and sharing quite simply because I want to be creative, and because I hear the roar within. And what better reason reason to write than this surely? Sometimes we forget the truth in that art is about release and expression far more than reward.
Unplanned, my day ended up becoming a self-care Sunday. I actually had tentative plans to go to a dog show with my little pup and the family, but a night dealing with a migraine and waking up feeling jittery put that out of the picture pretty quick.
Tuning inwards I sensed a need for nourishing care and surprisingly (because I was feeling awful symptom wise) for gentle movement. I was almost twitching for freedom within my limbs, my fingers, and expression. I was feeling stagnant and thus the urge for flow was strong.
Health is flow. Life is flow.
In fact flow seems to suddenly be my new ‘aligned and desired word’ as we enter the second half of the year. And I’m listening.
When we are unwell we are constricted, tense and confined. It’s completely normal, yet, the desire, the intention and the commitment towards seeking and embracing fluidity (where and when we can) is valuable to honour and embrace.
I know this calling. I hear the trusted tune now.
Thus I decided upon self-care Sunday.
And the humming of my own cells joined the sweet song already softly playing out….
The sunshine streaming through the window confirmed an actual desperate need for sun on my bare skin, toes in salty water and just simply being outside in nature. Alone.
And I surrendered. To the clear and obvious direction.
To the bliss.
Despite feeling unwell.
Because this is how we roll when we are chronically sick. We still embrace the beauty of life.
Slowly, and almost meditatively, I gracefully mapped out my plans… and got my essentials together.
A bikini (which in hindsight was overally ambitious), journal, books, and of course my chosen essential oil. Today I intuitively desired ‘Balance’ which is a perfect earthy grounding blend.
I strolled to my favourite place, each footstep appreciated and honoured; and nestled down with the sounds of the rolling waves, and later music in my ears. I took off my sunglasses (light in the eyes does the body a world of good and helps you sleep), admired the magical clouds, and inhaled the fresh air.
I smiled. Naturally, I sighed. Unashamedly. I stretched my toes and grounded (another great health pursuit) my feet amongst the pebble carpet.
Intending at first to read I instead felt the pull towards picking up my journal.
I admit, that although I’ve written about journalling before, especially the value of morning brain dumping, there has always been a resistance and almost a chore like connotation to my journalling too. Periodically I do turn towards it especially to release pent up emotions, and also at times of writer’s block, and it helps lot; but then seem I retreat from it again as a regular practice?
And that has been fine.
But, the last few days have felt different in this respect. Very different. And I just feel the genuine desire to reach for the notebook and to journal more. Interestingly I always journal old school style and appreciate the comfort, ritual, and passionate lure of a real inky pen and creamy paper. This will never change much as how I never read books on a screen – the magic is invariably lost for me with technology. And yes, the irony of being an online blogger doesn’t escape me either. All I can say is that there is no set rule for anything. Listen to your heart for every decision and tune in.
I’ve been writing about different things in this recent devotion to the journal, which is maybe why it is flowing more consistently currently. For instance I’ve felt very called to log down which essential oils I choose for the day – paired against where I am in my menstrual cycle, and the natural moon cycle. Right now actually we are nearing a full moon and I wonder if my flare up of jittery type symptoms could be in any way related? – because bugs (much like the tides) are fuelled by this powerful night time silver orb. I guess we will see as I begin to track? It feels so much more intuitive and purposeful, this new way of journalling. Not just releasing (although that is a great exercise), but more accessing my truth and exploring – without force. Watching and even naming emotions and symptoms. Detailing thoughts and expanding ideas. Being open to the flow once again. Infact, the words I kept journaling were ‘flow flow and flow.’ On repeat I wrote them out. Their visual presence bringing assurance. I underlined them without consciousness. It was as if the universe was reminding me what I need.
Taking an intuitive break I put down the pen and sunk my feet in my flip-flops once again (because pebbles hurt) before meandering to the water’s edge… Once here I kicked off the shoes and paddled in to the cool deep water. The waves rolling back and forth reminding me again of how nature is always in a flow state. So rythmic and beautiful and magnetically powerful; I was all consumed. A deep primal urge to swim overcame me, but my throat caught at the reality that alas I didn’t have the strength nor the body warmth…. but it was good to tune in this desire non-the less. To feel my organic passions rise – because I used to be a great swimmer. To acknowledge them with a smile, and gently tell them ‘soon’, rather than feel bitter at their test.
Afterwards it felt good to write it all down. The feelings, the activity, the desire, the emotions, the acknowledgement, the release. To write out the process is to learn and grow. And I once read how to repeat a story over and over until it is neutralised is the best way to find freedom.
And these are the types of conversations I want to journal going forwards now. I am finding self-inquiry flows so easily and lightheartedly from this space too.
My journalling became almost a real conversation (with myself) at once point ….
I’ll share a little of my scribbles ….
I have a question; My emotions are fizzing and I wonder why? It’s like an electric current, and actually I know it’s a physical reaction to my homeopathic remedy, and fragile system, but still I wonder why this happens and what is going on?
And then I hear a voice inside and the pen starts scrolling away…
My heart is speaking I realise.
My heart: “Why do you feel unsettled though if you know this is a reaction?”
Mmm, great question dear heart….. Let me see….
(*NB: I’m aware that we don’t need to over analyse every emotion at all, and that often (especially when doing treatment or detox) there is no real thought behind it and it can even be better to distract from this type of anxiety and simply release it instead. But sometimes it is also beneficial to sit a while and devote some time (but not too much) to exploring further, and not necessarily because the emotion is actually anything more than physical, but because it can still be a trail leading you further into yourself, and therefore an opportunity (should it feel right) to explore and get all the knots ironed out.
I admit I used to resist this, but as soon as I immersed, I realised there is nothing to fear. No darkness looming. Just gentle consideration, pondering and acceptance. Sometimes there is clarity, sometimes not. It’s not relevant. There is no need to put things in boxes nor over amplify anything. It’s just about the freedom to explore should the natural call be there. It’s always about intuition. Always about trust. And this has been the greatest lesson for me here.)
Dear heart, maybe it is because I don’t understand what is happening to me at the moment health wise, and I cannot find a way out which is working currently, even though I do have a sense of trust with it all too, there is fear in this unknowing.
I wait, but heart now stays silent….
Well, what do I do?
I demand somewhat impatiently.
My heart: “Surrender and trust”
Is the rather basic reply eventually given.
My heart: “Fear will not get you anywhere. You are here (in this unsettled place) anyway. You have a future plan mapped out even though you dont understand why you can’t put it into practice right now. I understand. That is tough. You’ve worked so hard. You know so much. I don’t know why, but I advise you to soften. To flow.”
That word again.
Heart continues to speak…
“Anything you can do to access flow then do it. Find it within movement, speech, sharing, writing and breath. It will release blocks and stagnation.”
Mmmmm agree. Perhaps this is why I find the nights and early morning the worse, because I have been cooped up tense and curled? I feel better when I gently move even to the sofa, and get a hot lemon. I open. I flow….. Interesting.
I still wonder if this voice I am listening to is in fact worthy, or woohoo though?
But lets assume there is some merit to this internal journal conversation and continue…
I think my heart senses my apprehension and reminds me gently
“That this – here – is still where I am at.”
My heart: I will repeat – all you can do it surrender to what it. Have your plan mapped out always in order to go forward because you won’t heal doing nothing absolutely, but trust that work is going on even if it doesn’t feel this way – because whether I speak truth or fantasy – you are still where you are. Nothing changes whatever I say. But pushing blocks out and moving the chi (life force) may help just a little – until you are strong enough to give your body what it needs.”
Okay. Well that was an interesting chat with myself (my heart) I had in this journalling session. And whether fictional or truth it makes sense. I’ll go with your (my) wisdom. Thank you.
From here I was a little spent and utterly satiated; so I headed home for a snooze and food. I passed some roses and I literally slowed down, and then completely stopped to smell them. Spellbound I lingered a while. Beautiful.
I’m grateful that today was a day I could reframe and turn around into peace and fulfilment – despite it not going to plan. I’m grateful to be able to hear my heart speak. To love the journal once again and be unafraid to use the pen as a shovel to dig if there is treasure to unearth. Yet, to balance this with my knowing that its not all about self-inquiry and that much growth will be discovered when we devote time to the external and to others.
I’m grateful for my own wisdom and balance. And for believing in myself as my ultimate guide.
Grateful furthermore to see beauty all around; and know that I am ever evolving even when the dawning day may initially suggest otherwise.
Grateful full stop. For days (and dates) with myself. Like these. Despite poor health.
Have you had a self care Sunday? Let me know what you managed to do, and also how you feel about journalling and your practice? Let’s open, flow and share – here.