Today I need to write. I haven’t been able to for the longest time since I started this Blog – almost 1 year ago now. Wow time flies. I certainly didn’t expect my most difficult post (to date) to come this far into the journey.
Once you stop something the momentum wanes and it becomes more and more of a distant reality. I know that won’t happen with my writing. It is too much a part of my soul. My creative passion. My outlet. But its painful to not feel the flow. For my fingers to not do their usual easy and talented tap tap dance across the screen.
As I type now it feels clumsy and uncoordinated. Not quite right. I am not quite back yet. The words are still blurry and thoughts still too jumbled, the brain too unfocused. The fatigue too intense. This post has taken me far too many weeks to put together.
I have Writer’s block for the first time! Eek.
Well, actually its not so much writers block as writers flu. Quite different entirely to be honest. But the end result (despite the cause) is a lack of written words on the screen.
Confession – its been over 4 weeks since I penned anything!
Let me explain. There is so much I want to share with you but my health has temporarily put the brakes on me doing so and Ive been in the midst of the murkiest muddle. I won’t bore you with the details but lets just say I’ve been struggling.
My Mojo is on a break too it seems.
I therefore decided to experiment and attempt a little emotional journalling instead because there is a need for me to express myself now, and I feel hungry and unfulfilled unless I can do so.
Journalling- from the heart – was surprisingly much easier than typing this up right now is proving to be…. The soul can speak even when the body and head cannot. No worries about structure, content or intended audience. Just me and the raw page.
That is flow.
My scribbled, messy, authentic words give their own clarity (as they appear) on what I need to say. And need to hear. Wisdom in their truth and message. Bubbling up and spilling over onto the page in a fully self sufficient manner, in all their power and glory allowing me sweet release.
Be prepared for this post to be messy and real. It isn’t planned and I haven’t prepared or edited. This is part Blog and part Journal. An exercise in working with where you are right now. Ignoring the ego who shouts so loudly that you ‘can’t press publish on this chaos.’ Trusting that this is for me and no-one else, yet being vulnerable enough to share and let you know I’m still here – with tons of
better stuff planned for you to read soon when the dizziness, brain fog and spaced out hippy vibe abate. Hehe.
For now I simply (but not necessarily with complete ease) give in to the words and watch how they instinctively form shapes and curves of beauty. They always teach me more than my head can for they come from a deeper place. I release my resistance in all forms and begin to write… free flow… a stream of consciousness which trickles and then pours out. Space and energy for only the deepest core stuff. No room for anything else….
And so I begin…. Writing for healing. Writing for release. Writing for freedom. Writing for advise and wisdom of the soul.
Nothing seems to be connecting at the moment. Its beyond frustrating, as so many aspects of being unwell are. I feel emotional, sensitive. As raw as can be. I feel stuck and scared. In a big way. Totally in the middle of the most giant muddy puddle knowing that it is down to me to find the way through. As always. Such a responsibility when I crave help…….
In truth I just feel unwell. More so than usual even. I don’t like it all. At all. Ive cancelled plans. Im sorry. Ive let people down. I apologise. I know you understand but it still hurts. I want to enjoy things. Do things. WIth you. Its hard…….
I’ve listened, argued and resisted this difficult patch. And then I’ve come full circle and realised that all we have is acceptance and right now. Even if we dislike where we are at. Blah Blah.
Oh F**K. Ain’t that the truth though no matter what?
It is what it is.
Oh F**K. That again.
A classic saying which is so truthful that it hurts.
A phrase which simultaneously soothes me and makes me want to scream! You just don’t get it!
A saying which is just so precise that it instantly and powerfully pulls you out of the mud and allows you to start afresh and wash away the negativity much as a heavy shower cleans the dust and alchemises it into sparkles of glitter.
Deep exhale…. Breathe again. Let It All Go.
A choice to Resist or Accept? To Fight or Surrender?
Either way the situation remains. I know that. I know that!
Yet of course the struggle may still emerge. Or there may be peace. It may constantly ebb and flow. That is what makes us human. We struggle and cry and then we accept and start over. Again and again.
The strength it takes to hold onto yourself when all you want is to feel well is too hard to explain. The impact of the length of time the situation has prevailed impossible to describe.
But Life is good. So so good. I want to experience it more. I see and feel the beauty everywhere. It is all around. In the sky, the sea and in my niece’s beautiful smile. When she holds my hand and puts all her trust in me I know who I am. And it is then that I remember. Right there I know my place just for a moment and it gives me a magnificent strength to keep going and keep growing. To believe and to keep the faith. To above all always remember and remain myself.
Is journalling helping me?
Well, it doesn’t change anything per se. There is still the same old difficulties present and they have not diminished in their real-ness. And yet it does initiate a change too. For perspective is everything. Journaling (particularly when you have no other outlet) is a beautiful release. An opportunity to gain Clarity and advise yourself as though you were your own best friend – or wisest guardian. Providing safety and guidance. It gives me that and more. There are plenty of reasons why brain dumping through journalling is good for you.
Ultimately no matter how bad I feel I have this innate programming or characteristic which makes me want to leave on a higher vibration than I began. I find a way through. And I feel better for it. I realise at times this may project an image that all is fine and dandy, it really isn’t, but there is still beauty and I write to find that. And I always do find it. Thank You.
By Sharing the darkness a little I am able to make way for the light.
Im pretty good at turning things into positives. But I realise that I also need to give myself a hug and let some (uncomfortable) emotions bubble and rise at times. To share. That’s ok. By letting feelings out they can evaporate of their own accord like wisps in the air. But you have to let them out first.
A wise friend friend told me that nothing we feel is insignificant or wrong.
We can own all of our thoughts, whilst still choosing which ones to dwell on the most. Which ones we want to project. For our thoughts do become our reality in many ways.
I choose the positive vibes please but I will acknowledge a need to cry (and share) sometimes too.
The magic of writing and words is powerful even today when I thought that I couldn’t possibly express my thoughts in a succinct way.
Perhaps I haven’t? Perhaps to everyone but myself this is a page of rambling nonsense. Hey, thats fine. It is what I needed to do, and I thank you for holding the space for it.
Have you found journalling helps? I would love to know. And if you are struggling right now give it a try and see if you can find your light through the words.