I have dreamed of writing a book. This book. For a very long time. Ive started and stopped over the years so many times I’ve lost count. IVE PLAYED AROUND WITH INDIVIDUAL CHAPTERS ON A WHIM. Yet, as the initial words flowed freely, I was always and consistently met with a deep resistance which froze me in my tracks. The pen was put down and the words abruptly ceased and recoiled back within. How can I write a book on healing when I am still sick?
My unease rising with each abandonment, and propelling a commitment and promise towards starting over again very soon. Convincing myself that I would be producing a much better book if the time and circumstances were right.
But can I share something with you?
The true reason I was held back from the flow was because instead of simply immersing myself in creativity, I thought far too much about the intention of the book. The people whom I was writing it for and the conclusion I wanted it to finally reach. The vibration of my own truth (which can never lie) never matched and so I was halted. Time after time.
Today I start again and I ask you to be patient with me as I begin to write from a place of the here and now, alongside all that has been. I will write from a place of hopes and dreams for the future but I’ve given up trying to dictate and mould my words into an ending I desire. I finally grasp with all my heart that the process of writing this book is an invitation from creativity itself and that I dedicate myself to the words of authenticity which beat throughout my body.
I cannot be led wrong in this manner.
I surrender to this creative process simply for the pleasure and pull of doing so. Because THIS is what I am meant to be doing actually.
And who do I now write for? I write for myself. Proudly and vulnerably (with a massive heap of uncertainly) I share, because to do not so is more painful that standing still hovering and waiting for the day that it all feels right. The day when I feel right. When I am well and I can let you know just how I healed. That time will come and it will be magnificent, but perhaps at that point my desire will not be to sit still and write? The tug may have shifted shape. Perhaps I will want to move and explore instead?
Maybe, after all, my current situation actually supports me to write? Wow, isn’t perspective a truly funny thing? And isn’t the power of writing it out the greatest act of therapy itself? My hands are thrown up in the air and my head is lowered humbly as I not only hear the call, but finally accept it.
Write as you are and as it is.
This is where my book begins.
The release as I tap tap tap is divine. As I eventually submerge and BEGIN it is like a long held sigh slowly and deliberately escaping. I know it wont be easy but if I commit only towards writing from the heart and in the flow)I will be guided. I do not need to create the story. I am the story.
Let me be honest and tell you now that I have no idea how this story of mine will evolve or conclude. It is a journal of my life after all and the magic and jazz only happens as we move blindly forward. Whether or not the final chapter will reveal a marked and spell-binding shift in my health and life remains to be seen. I myself will have tickets on the front row with more anticipation that you can imagine.
Regardless, I accept that whatever unfolds is okay for the purpose of this book, and that there will (hopefully) be a time I write THAT particular chapter, even if it ends up being in a prequel. But I have to start somewhere, and much like BEGINNING MY BLOG ‘LIVING BRIGHTLY‘ I will never be ready. I just need to write.
Even as I type this first page the resistance is trying to penetrate. It always will. I think it is simply trying to protect me but the danger is that it acts from a place of fear. I’ve been fearful too long. I crave protection at my core to be honest, but I must be brave and persevere. I can see in my minds eye Resistance constantly fighting with Creativity. One against the other. Both with completely valid and important points. Trying to win.
Creativity and flow tells me to ‘just do it’ whilst Resistance reminds me that I haven’t prepared. At all. That I will make a fool of myself if I rush into this. The thing is I cannot plan my life or my healing. I can take measures to influence it but it is one of those things that just happens.
Can I share a secret?
I have a feeling that Life may begin to flow as my words themselves flow?
The answer to that is ‘who knows?’ but it just may happen. Or maybe I will just notice the small details more. And Im not going to lie, there will always be the deepest of longings for the content of my last chapter to be how I dream it to be.
Resistance says “Why not wait then and write that perfect chapter?”
Creativity replies “Who knows how long you’ll (and I for that matter) be waiting so your book may never get written even if you do recover and live a marvelous healthy life.”
Okay guys stop fighting. My choice is made (I give thanks to the mentoring of Elizabeth Gilbert through her books for this) and I am going to follow the Flow (when it presents) but lean into Resistance when I hear it getting completely frustrated with me – just to see if it has a valid point you know. Because it is intelligent and sometimes is worth listening to and I honour that. And lets face it, it probably has a point right now when it reminds me I have not made a plan or book outline in any way, shape or form. I will do so when the Flow gives me the nudge that it feels right though. Right now it knows that unless I release these words and have something physical on the page a plan will never morph into a book. It will just ensure more distraction and hesitation.
And, so I reach the point once again in my musings where previously I have been unsure how to proceed? To go back to the start or to write from here? I never know and that has been my constant dilemma. And yes I do hear Resistance ironically hollering in the background that a well thought out plan may have prevented this predicament. Instead I shut my eyes and asked my soul where to begin.
“Start with the story of setting up your blog ” it answers loudly and confidently.
And so I will. I feel like it has my back this time round. And that will be how this book evolves and surfaces. Guided only my the soul. It will not be the best piece I have ever written and that it okay. Because the day that I hold a real life creation in my hands and see my name on it will be the day of my dreams.
I write for me. But I hope you will join me on the journey too.
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Are you penning a book in your head? Does it FEEL right to begin now? Please do and please let me know in the comments below how you feel about it all.